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Get ready for Team Fiction

Baseball All-Stars put together from film and television

Fred Jeter | 4/16/2020, 6 p.m.
We still have peanuts and Cracker Jacks to munch on this spring, but there is no live baseball to enjoy …

We still have peanuts and Cracker Jacks to munch on this spring, but there is no live baseball to enjoy with the snacks.

So let’s have some fun. In the absence of any real action, let’s be creative and come up with a made-from- movies-or-TV team that all baseball fans could stand up and holler for.

So in your imagination, just for giggles, let’s give it up for the Fictitious All-Stars, playing for every city and town — counting make-believe locations — in America.

Pitcher: Who else but Bingo Long of “The Bingo Long Traveling All-Stars & Motor Kings” (1976) about barnstorming black team in the 1940s.

Played by actor Billy Dee Williams, Bingo was so confident that at times he would request his fielders to lie down and go to sleep. A master of intimidation, he would pitch on some occasions wearing a gorilla suit, and had an “invisible pitch” that was impossible to see — much less hit.

Catcher: Dottie Hinson did something no one else would dare attempt — she caught pop-ups behind her back and sometimes doing full splits, wearing a dress, no less.

Actress Geena Davis, who played Hinson in “A League of Their Own,” (1992) was also a power hitter. “I wanted the other team to say ‘Uh, oh,’ when I came up,” she said.

Designated hitter: Cigar-puffing Cuban refugee Pedro Cerrano believed in voodoo and crushed fastballs. But he had nightmares about having to hit the curve.

“Jesus, I like him very much, but he no help me hit the curveball,” he told a teammate.

He was played by Dennis Haysbert in the film “Major League” (1989), whose face and deep voice are better known from the Allstate commercials.

First base: Crash Davis, played by Kevin Costner, was primarily a catcher in the film “Bull Durham” (1988). But the lefty is being moved to first for this imaginary team.

Davis set big league record for most homers by a minor leaguer. He also could shag dance into the wee hours and won the heart of Durham “baseball groupie” Annie, played by Susan Sarandon.

Second base: Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez did great things on and off the field in the film “The Sandlot” (1993.)

Not only did the Latino infielder defeat “The Beast,” recovering the Babe Ruth autographed ball from a vicious dog, he won a spot with the Los Angeles Dodgers and famously stole home plate.

“The Jet” was played by actor Mike Vitar, who later was cast as a hospital worker in the TV series “Chicago Hope” and a police officer in “NYPD Blue.”

Shortstop: Chico Escuela isn’t a character from the silver screen, but rather from “Saturday Night Live.” Played by Garrett Morris, Chico was a native of the

Dominican Republic with the famous line, “Beisbol been berry berry good to me.” He suited up for the New Mets, according to SNL lore.

Later, Chico became a SNL sports writer with a tell- all book about the Mets. “Tom Seaver, he once borrow Chico’s soap and not ever give it back.”

Third base: Mr. Ed, playing himself on TV from 1958 to 1966, has to make this team somewhere. While not much in interviews, the “talking horse” swung a mean bat—with his teeth. While we’re concerned about Mr. Ed’s defense, he belongs in the lineup for hitting and speed.

In a tryout with the Dodgers, Mr. Ed hit an in-the- park homer off Sandy Koufax. Seeing such a fete, Los Angeles Coach Leo Durocher said, “That’s the most amazing thing I ever saw.”

Mr. Ed’s owner, Wilbur, replied, “Not so amazing; Ed missed second base.”

Right field: Roy Hobbs, played by Robert Redford in “The Natural” (1984). Emerging from a mysterious past, the lefty’s slugging helps win the pennant for the New York Knights.

Roy knocks out scoreboards with his prodigious blows, wows the ladies with his good looks and even has abdominal surgery in, of all places, a maternity ward.

Center field: Willie Mays Hayes, known for his blinding speed, was played by actor Wesley Snipes in “Major League” (1989).

“Hit like Mays (meaning Willie Mays) and run like Hayes (meaning Bob Hayes),” was his catch phrase. Hayes stole bases, chased down fly balls and helped keep the Indians in Cleveland despite the team’s ruthless female owner.

Left field: Esquire Joe Calloway, played by Stan Shaw in “Bingo Long,” may have been the best outfielder in the history of cinema. He caught everything hit in the park, even racing into surrounding pastures to snag long drives, sometimes speeding through barn doors.

At the end, Calloway becomes something of a Jackie Robinson figure as a major league team offers him a big league contract. Upon hearing the news, his teammates chant, “Go, Go, Esquire Joe!”

Manager: Rounding out the Team Fiction lineup is Morris Buttermaker, played by actor Walter Matthau in “Bad News Bears” (1976).

A former big league player with a drinking problem and a blue Cadillac, Buttermaker guided a group of sandlot misfits to a season ending in celebration. In convincing his players to hang tough during trying times, Buttermaker told his team of kids: “This quitting thing, it’s a hard habit to break.”

No one’s quitting 2020 baseball, at least not yet.

So settle into your seat, smell the popcorn popping. The national anthem is playing. And the umpire, albeit a fictitious one, is about to dust off home plate and shout, “Play ball.”